Ring-ring

It was my neighbor - the one just down the road with a son the same age as Craig. She asked if I had time to talk.

Uh-oh.

Craig was home, so I knew he was fine, but obviously she was bothered.

“I need to talk to you about how to handle something that’s been happening when Craig has been playing here lately.”

“Okay,” I said.

Jane is not the kind of person who overreacts. She has neighborhood kids at her house all the time. She’s welcoming and kind and sweet. She bakes them cookies and makes everybody sandwiches. She doesn’t harp on kids, and I’ve never seen her grumpy. And she isn’t a negative or critical person at all. So I knew this was a big deal.

“He’s a great kid, and has never been a problem until recently. But the last couple of times, he wrestles too hard with the little kids. And he said something mean to Lane.”

“Really?” This is unusual for Craig.

“Yes, the younger boys had been messing around with Lane’s sword and broke it. Lane was upset about it, and Craig just laughed it off, flippantly saying, ‘Who cares? Just get another one.’ Lane was so upset, I had to send Craig home.”

Whew. I know my kids aren’t perfect, but typically they keep their worst behavior for me. This was the first time I had been confronted by one of them getting “too comfortable” in someone else’s home.

“How would you feel about helping me do my job as a parent here?” I asked her.

“Sure. What should I do?”

“Craig is apparently oblivious to the fact he had anything to do with having to go home. He told me it was because Lane was naughty,” I said. “He’s gotten a little too comfortable at your home and isn’t thinking before acting. But he respects you a lot, and would listen to you far better than me.

“I would suggest that the next time he comes over, you pull him aside, far away from the other kids, and seriously explain to him your expectations. Tell him what happened last time, his role in it, and how it is not acceptable. And tell him he is not allowed to wrestle at all. He’s too big and doesn’t know his own strength. He’s generally clueless about all of this, but your conversation would change that.”

Deep breath. “I think I could do that,” she said.

“I feel badly about putting this back on you, but it would mean the most coming from you. I really want the relationship between the boys to work. And I want his relationship with you to work, which is why it might be better if I stay out of it.”

Craig went back to play and a little while later I received another phone call. She’d had the conversation and he took it very seriously. He was even a little teary. But the boundaries had been drawn. Kids need them so badly. I never said a word to Craig. Nor did he to me. And we’ll keep it that way. His relationship with Jane is in tact - even stronger now. And Jane and I have agreed to keep our lines of communication open about both our boys.

“Thank you for helping me parent my kids,” I told her, seriously. “Isn’t it easier when we help each other?”

I love this neighborhood.

Other torch-passers:
The Dishes Will Wait - My Gene Pool
Dreaming of What Ifs - Preparing Him For the Future

What does passing the torch mean to you? Is it teaching? Passing traditions? Or good news about youth? Join us each week for Pass the Torch Tuesday.Former PTT posts.

Our kids (ages 9 and 11) have long understood that “I’m bored” is not an acceptable expression in our family.

It’s not that they don’t get bored, but as parents we expect the kids to take ownership for their own entertainment. Our kids are better at choosing the fun stuff, and we’re better at running the household and managing the family.

Early on, our kids learned that even indirect expressions of boredom - like sibling squabbling and other irritating behavior - meant that they would lose the relative freedom of choosing their own fun activity, and get put to work by Mom or Dad.

Here are six strategies have contributed to our kids’ ability to direct their own activity.

• We ask the kids to brainstorm weekly activities they’d like us to do together. They understand we are cost-conscious, so their favorites are “bike to Dairy Queen” and “tube down the Apple River.” We’ll probably try Letterboxing too. And I add my standby activities as well — library visits, picnic in the park, nature hike, and museum field trips.

• We maintain a summer calendar and scope out which activities are time-sensitive. This gives us something to look forward to and the structure ensures we all know what to expect. Our weekly schedule includes about three hours of schooling (reading, workbooks, journaling, science experiments), regular chores and a field trip or family activity.

• I include the kids on daily errands and projects. Preteens are very helpful with grocery-shopping and post office runs, as well as yard work or staining the deck. If we keep the work to just an hour or two, it isn’t so taxing and they always know there’s a play date or fun activity to look forward to. My kids also prepare their own breakfasts, and take turns making a simple lunch for the three of us. This way we all feel productive.

• We schedule many opportunities for playing with friends - at least three times per week. Since the kids know they can depend on this, they seem more willing to play with each other on the off-times. And whether the kids are at my house or the friends’ house, I can usually work during this time.

• We provide fun stuff the kids can access on their own. We have a craft bar filled with paint and creative supplies, and computer and Playstation games they can use on a limited basis. Craig plays guitar and Darla reads and journals.

• When our kids tell us they don’t know what they can do, we usually respond with an empowering question, like, “What will you do about that?”

While every family experiences a different dynamic, this system has worked for us. And in the long-run, I hope that their ability to self-direct will help them to make healthy choices as teenagers, when risky choices may become more available. What do you do to encourage your kids to find their own healthy entertainment?

This week Shannon is asking for boredom busters, and I’ll be combing her site for morsels of inspiration. I encourage you to join me!

This week the Wall Street Journal features a volunteer from Texas who is definitely passing the torch to the young people she works with. Pat Rosenburg is one of the inspirational asset-builders I had the opportunity to interview for my book.

After her two daughters left for college, this longtime volunteer in the Houston public schools found new purpose in mentoring a teenager who was on his way to a life of crime in his tough inner-city neighborhood. This five-minute video is a perfect illustration of an adult passing the torch in a big way, and is well-worth the watch.

Click here to read the article.

Other torch-passers:
That’s My Boy — Holly’s Corner
Helper-Chart Experiment - Life with Two Little Vikings

Do you have a story about kids that make you proud, or adults who are passing the torch? Please let me know and I’ll spread the word on Pass the Torch Tuesday.Former PTT posts.

Pass the Torch is officially two years old. Although I played around for a few months in the spring of 2006 — trying to figure out what a blog was — the first post that showed my true colors here was this one. I published it on April 26, 2006. It was a reprint from an Empowering Youth newsletter I published two years earlier. Who would think that four years from the original newsletter publication, I would be poised to publish a book on exactly this subject? Oh, if only I’d discovered blogging back then! What was your first blog post?

Original publication, April 2004.

Recently I attended a conference that happened to take place on “Take Your Kid to Work Day”. My 7-year-old daughter, Darla, brought home a note from school indicating the date and inviting parents to take their kids to work that day. I was pleased that I was scheduled to attend a conference and that it was relatively close to home, so it might work out for me to take her along and only have her miss the one day of school.

The issue, however, was that in addition to exhibiting, this time I was hired to speak at the conference, so I would be facilitating a two-hour training. I didn’t worry about Darla’s ability to help out as an exhibitor, but what about a speaking engagement?

I talked to Darla about my concerns and the expectations I would have for any assistant during a conference session, and she felt confident she could meet my expectations. It was to be a rather small conference with affirming, patient and youth-centered participants, and the session was only two hours, not a half or full-day. So if there was ever a conference to attempt a “Take Your Kid to Work Day”, this was the one.

Ultimately, it was an excellent experience for everyone involved. Darla was a valuable assistant in setting up the exhibit, as she was able to roll exhibit suitcases on her own and hold open doors for me as I carried in the heavy items. I never realized how much I needed an assistant until I had one! And in the preparation for our sectional, we had only a short time between sessions, so I really appreciated her help then as well. She was the ultimate professional for the two-hour period, allowing me to do my job, while helping participants with needed training supplies. And of course, the conference participants were exactly the positive, generous people I assumed they would be.

I learned several empowerment lessons from this experience:

• Adults need to take advantage of opportunities that help empowered young people experience success;
• Some situations pose less “risk” than others, so are prime opportunities to stretch youth and adult perception of a young person’s capability; and
• Inviting youth to participate in an experience different from their usual day broadens their perspective of the world and their future.

Of course, there are usually unexpected bonuses. During the conference, Darla participated in an art project facilitated by a talented Native American woman, gaining a new skill as well as a better understanding of a culture different from her own. I asked her what was the best part of “Take Your Kid to Work Day” — The swimming pool? The conference food? The exhibit candy? The fun art project?

Believe it or not, she said it was the two-hour ride in the truck to and from the conference. Why? Because we got to talk to each other the whole time.

This summer, I encourage you to find a way to empower a young person. Engage them in something you are doing. Take a risk. And reap the benefits…

You can join me each week by sharing a time kids make you proud, or a way adults are teaching, sharing — passing the torch. Blog your story or share it in comments.Former PTT posts.

My April Positively Speaking column has been published at 5 Minutes for Mom. I share insight I gained from the books Parenting Preschoolers with a Purpose and Parenting Preteens with a Purpose.

I’m also hosting giveaways for these books here and here.

I host regular giveaways for parents and educators - two more big giveaways are planned for April. Please consider signing up for updates by email. I will never spam you or give out your address.