Ring-ring
It was my neighbor - the one just down the road with a son the same age as Craig. She asked if I had time to talk.
Uh-oh.
Craig was home, so I knew he was fine, but obviously she was bothered.
“I need to talk to you about how to handle something that’s been happening when Craig has been playing here lately.”
“Okay,” I said.
Jane is not the kind of person who overreacts. She has neighborhood kids at her house all the time. She’s welcoming and kind and sweet. She bakes them cookies and makes everybody sandwiches. She doesn’t harp on kids, and I’ve never seen her grumpy. And she isn’t a negative or critical person at all. So I knew this was a big deal.
“He’s a great kid, and has never been a problem until recently. But the last couple of times, he wrestles too hard with the little kids. And he said something mean to Lane.”
“Really?” This is unusual for Craig.
“Yes, the younger boys had been messing around with Lane’s sword and broke it. Lane was upset about it, and Craig just laughed it off, flippantly saying, ‘Who cares? Just get another one.’ Lane was so upset, I had to send Craig home.”
Whew. I know my kids aren’t perfect, but typically they keep their worst behavior for me. This was the first time I had been confronted by one of them getting “too comfortable” in someone else’s home.
“How would you feel about helping me do my job as a parent here?” I asked her.
“Sure. What should I do?”
“Craig is apparently oblivious to the fact he had anything to do with having to go home. He told me it was because Lane was naughty,” I said. “He’s gotten a little too comfortable at your home and isn’t thinking before acting. But he respects you a lot, and would listen to you far better than me.
“I would suggest that the next time he comes over, you pull him aside, far away from the other kids, and seriously explain to him your expectations. Tell him what happened last time, his role in it, and how it is not acceptable. And tell him he is not allowed to wrestle at all. He’s too big and doesn’t know his own strength. He’s generally clueless about all of this, but your conversation would change that.”
Deep breath. “I think I could do that,” she said.
“I feel badly about putting this back on you, but it would mean the most coming from you. I really want the relationship between the boys to work. And I want his relationship with you to work, which is why it might be better if I stay out of it.”
Craig went back to play and a little while later I received another phone call. She’d had the conversation and he took it very seriously. He was even a little teary. But the boundaries had been drawn. Kids need them so badly. I never said a word to Craig. Nor did he to me. And we’ll keep it that way. His relationship with Jane is in tact - even stronger now. And Jane and I have agreed to keep our lines of communication open about both our boys.
“Thank you for helping me parent my kids,” I told her, seriously. “Isn’t it easier when we help each other?”
I love this neighborhood.
Other torch-passers:
The Dishes Will Wait - My Gene Pool
Dreaming of What Ifs - Preparing Him For the Future
What does passing the torch mean to you? Is it teaching? Passing traditions? Or good news about youth? Join us each week for Pass the Torch Tuesday.Former PTT posts.
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9:39 am
that was inspired on your part.
10:09 am
Thanks Pamela - maybe, but I think the reason this was all so helpful is the fact that she called. How often do we just break off relationships because something is uncomfortable or difficult? She chose to confront the situation, in a positive way, so we could fix it.
10:56 am
This was written great!
1:18 pm
I think it’s great that you have found friendship in a neighborhood like this-sometimes our kids just need their eyes opened a bit and it’s great that you both feel comfortable enough with each other to let that happen in a positive way. (Hope you decide to stay in this neighborhood for a while!)
4:16 pm
Kelly I so appreciate your candor and honesty in this share. Your reaction was such a great move for everyone and I’m glad it worked out so well! I too have found that drawing responsibility lines (especially not trying to fix everything for everyone else)and asking for assistance can provide room for growth are the best tools to help me mold strong and good characters for my children. Kuddos to you and your neighbor!
Hugs,
Holly
4:20 pm
That was brave! I’m glad you worked things out with your neighbor and your kids.
8:14 pm
How wonderful that you have that kind of relationship with your friend. It sounds like the situation was handled beautifully!
10:50 pm
That’s so wonderful.
Not long ago, my son was involved in a very minor conflict with a neighbor boy. The mom marched down here and behaved more immaturely than the boys who apologized to one another right away. Now I don’t let my son play down there because the mom continues to behave ridiculously. There’s no making it right with her, and our boys suffer as a result. Sigh.
5:41 am
You showed a lot of wisdom by not being defensive and knowing your kids well enough to know that her speaking to him would be more effective. Awesome job! And, thanks for walking in the spirit of parenting I hope to attain as the Vikings get older.
Got my PTT for this week up as well…but I’m not gonna leave the link due to the problems I’ve been having leaving comments! LOL
10:30 am
What a powerful message for us all! I think it is great that you and your friend were able to work together to be clear with expectations for your son. It is important for children to learn and understand that boundaries exist beyond the confines of our home walls - and that they will be held accountable for them. I think it is great, too, how calmly and kindly the situation was handled all around. Your son is fortunate to have such a strong community of people who care deeply about him and his character development!
6:04 pm
I think it’s great that she called you to work things out. We had a similar situation but my neighbor scolded GG without consulting me first. I didn’t really appreciate it.
5:28 am
[…] this past year when our family moved to one. This understanding was reinforced last month when my neighbor proactively addressed what could have turned into a relationship-crippling issue with my […]
11:26 am
I am glad this worked out for you… but honestly, I am a bit surprised by your reaction. I would think that your little one should be talked to for lying to you, and that you should at least have talked to him about the whole situation.
IN THE LEAST to just have said, “You need to respect Jane” or “How do we fix things when we’ve caused someone hurt?”
I think there were great opportunities for YOU to have stepped in a parented your own child.
You are very fortunate to have Jane… to have someone who was in fact, willing to parent for you.
God bless-
Amanda
P.S. This is just my little ole opinion, I have been known to be wrong and I apologize if my comment is not taken as constructive critism. I believe in holding other mothers (and them holding ME!) to the Proverbs 31 standards of living.
Blessings.
11:39 am
Amanda, I appreciate your comment. But I don’t think Craig was lying - he was just unaware and caught in his own little world. And we’ve talked many times about my expectations for him, respect for others — all of that.
The fact Jane was willing to reinforce her expectations of him - and the fact those expectations are the same as the ones I’ve harped on ad infinitum - meant that he finally heard the message I’ve been sending all along. It was a realization that we all do have similar rules, and that our words really do impact others.
It’s impossible to paint a complete picture in one or two blog posts. My hope is that my willingness to bare such a blatant imperfection in my life, will encourage others to reach out to each other.
12:16 pm
I think that took guts on both of your parts. So many times moms are afraid to come to another mom with an issue about the other mom’s child. I’ve always told the other moms I want them to come to me and I will do the same. Well done for both of you! Not only did you work together, you helped Craig see the boundary and save face.
12:18 pm
Kelly,
(You know I’ve been out of town, and though I’ve posted a few pictures and a “Travel Diary”, I haven’t read blogs in a while.
I *winced* from your comments; I’ve never written anything controversial enough to warrant dissenters, or maybe rather than them taking time to challenge me, they just clicked to someone else’s blog.
You’ve always treated others with kindness and respect; even though these comments aren’t in 100% agreement with your actions, I’d take away two things: a) your “atypical” reaction to the circumstance and willingness to share a difficult thing, will help others think outside the box re: parenting. It DOES take others parenting alongside you to get this TOUGH job done well :). You’re doing well. b) look for any truth embedded in those comments that aren’t in agreement with you. Is there any validity there? Can you learn something you hadn’t yet considered? It is ALWAYS excruciating when someone challenges something I’ve done…BUT, if they seem genuinely concerned, if they seem to care (and not just judge), I try to seek the truth in what they say, even if it’s not what I originally thought. Does that make sense?
Personally, I’m impressed with how you handled this particular situation; and equally so with your friend. C will be better off as a result of both your responses.
And, btw……….{{hugs!}}
4:26 pm
I totally get that a blog post is just a snapshot of a whole situation… I just didn’t totally agree with your nsapshot. Does that make it wrong? Nope. Does that make me right? Nope. Do you want everyone who reads you to agree with what you say 100% of the time?
The nice thing about a Proverbs 31 standard (in my mind) is that it is HONEST feedback, coming from a place of understanding and love, based in Biblical Truth.
I have never been one to go to a blog and say that I agree or “oh your so brave and strong and wonderful” if I didn’t really think that.
Usually, I just leave and dont plan on returning. In this case, I thought your writers’ mind could handle the adverse opinion and digest it…so I commented.
Honestly, I pray for the best for you and for your readers and for every precious child of God!
Congrats on your book-
God bless-
Amanda
4:34 pm
Thanks Amanda - discussion is what gives blogging such value. I appreciate the fact your demeanor is so polite, even when you don’t agree. We can all learn something from that.
9:31 am
Very cool. I’m moving to your hood!
9:36 am
I’m over here from Pensieve’s bloggy giveaway. I found this post very interesting. I have 4 boys and I know a day like this will come sooner or later. I really do like this approach…I’m tucking this away in my head for future reference!