Yesterday, I shared an update in our progress, since we quit homeschooling.
While we seem to have made a smooth social and educational transition to public school, I’m finding other transitions to be difficult. Lucky for me, Shannon decided to turn Works-for-me Wednesday inside-out this week — we can ask for advice, rather than giving it.
Because of the disastrous start to the school year last fall, I’ve spent a lot of energy making sure the kids had a great start this year. And they have. But I underestimated the impact it would have on our family’s interaction, for me to go to work part-time, and for my kids to begin attending public school.
Last year we had one house, and one career outside the home (I run my home-based company part-time), and we were together all the time in a relaxed environment. Our whole lifestyle revolved around our home.
Now we’re a family with two houses, two careers outside the home, and children with full-time “jobs” at school, followed by social lives and weekly extra-curricular activities. We’ve been jolted from simple to suburban in a matter of months, and our practices haven’t caught up with the major life changes we’ve experienced.
In short, we have little down-time together, and in many ways I feel were losing the cohesive family communication we’re accustomed to.
Time apart significantly cuts down on the sibling squabbling that we battled from time to time last year, but I’m uncomfortable with the way we all seem to be going our own directions. While Dad is thinking about work issues and trying hard to even make it home in time for dinner, I’m attempting to manage the household like I used to, and learn a new job. The kids have their own focus — on friends and sports and what they’re wearing for Halloween.
Our time apart far outweighs our time together, and I’m embarrassed to admit that even when we’re in the same house, we’re often in front of our respective televisions, computers and Playstations.
I know this is a common issue among busy households. I also realize that having less on our plate would simplify the matter, but I can’t think of anything we’re willing to sacrifice. And I know there are many families out there with longer work hours, busier schedules, and more kids, that are making it work.
Shannon asked for straight-forward requests, and this is a little more complicated than “What gets your socks clean?” But if your family has ever been out of sync, can you please share what helped you get back into the groove? I’m looking for simple ideas we could integrate into our daily or weekly lives.
Thanks in advance. For more questions about all of life’s perplexities, please visit Rocks in My Dryer.
HOMESCHOOL EXPERIMENT RESULTS SERIES:
WHY WE STARTED
the JOYS
the STRUGGLES
the FUTURE for us
UPDATE after we Quit Homeschooling
Family out of Sync
Other Homeschooling Experiment milestones:
The Beginning
Week One – Starting with a Frazzle
Five Steps to Drive Yourself off a Cliff
Week Two – Just when I thought I knew what I was doing
Week Three — Let there be CRAFTS!
One-month Review
D’s Review at One Month
Week Five – Stress and frustration
Week Seven – Flip-flopping curriculum
Note to self – Consider having low expectations some weeks
Two-Month Review — Some aha moments
Three-Month Review — Not all peaches and cream
Four-Month Review — Loving ancient history
Five-Month Review — What I underestimated
Six-Month Review – Let’s Just Skip this Month
Seven-Month Review — Curriculum Review
D’s research paper — Save the Earth Saturday series
Tales of a Fourth-Grade Guinea Pig
All posts about the experiment — including WAY-COOL FIELD TRIPS!
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9:10 pm
[...] So that’s the great-news update. Here you can read part 2 – where I ask for your input on the things that aren’t transitioning as well. [...]
9:30 pm
I certainly don’t have tons of great ideas Kelly..but perhaps you could carve out a couple of nights a week that are sacred; no sports practices, no extra curriciular activities, no work, etc. – this time would be spent doing “family” stuff – anything, together as a family. Maybe you could try that?
It IS hard. Believe me. I think you have to consciously carve out time or it isn’t going to happen.
9:32 pm
Excellent point, Dana – Thanks for chiming in!!
10:22 pm
I’m just posting in order to say “me too” to what Dana said. We have a Family Home Evening every Monday. We try to set aside Monday evening for our family every week, and don’t set it aside without good reason. If we do reschedule, well, just that: we try to reschedule rather than canceling.
Also, those weeks my husband travels, I try to make sure we spend time together on the weekend. We try not to leave the kids with a sitter those weekends and avoid circumstances that would separate us. Anyway, it’s still hard. But recognizing the problem is the first step!
11:23 pm
It gets really hard when everyone is so busy. I don’t know if your kids to chores, but if they don’t they need to do some so that you don’t have to spend your time at home just taking care of the house. If they are home when you are making dinner, have them help out. That would be some good time together and most kids like to help cook. If you can’t give up some of your activities, then try to plan some time each day to spend with both kids, if possible, or just one at a time, even if it’s only 15 minutes. Read together or play a game. I know it’s difficult to spend time together when everyone is busy. We go through some of the same stuff you do.
11:43 pm
Dinner and sitting down at the table is really important to my family. We only have one and he’s little, so I don’t know how that might change as he gets older.
We have a Family Night on Fridays.
I hope you get lots of good ideas.
11:51 pm
You might also try declaring one night a week techno/media free and keep the computers, tvs and hand held games OFF. Instead play games, make up skits, start a read-aloud, go for a bike ride. Do things that push you together as a family.
Duckabush Blog
12:47 am
What a rude return to the real world.
5:41 am
Unplug. I feel your pain. I’m a mother and an elementary teacher, my husband owns a real estate company, we do sports… The one thing that will make the biggest impact on family time is to unplugg. No TV’s in bedrooms, no video games in bedrooms. Ok, except yours, and that’s TV, not video:-) No TV during the week. (Watching TV burns fewer calories than sleeping!) Play outside, read, help around the house, get homework done, hang with friends. Get into real life. It’s a really good thing! Good luck!
5:59 am
Set aside a family night – where no matter what you do, you do it together. Ours is Friday – my husband gets off work early on Fridays. Often we end up running errands together or grocery shopping, even with all of the kids (it takes 3 carts!).
Together time does NOT have to be “stay home and bake cookies” time.
You might also start having the kids do for each other, helping to run the house. Assign them a night to be assistant chef (and teach them to clean the kitchen). It’s tedious at first, but pays off later. Plus, you’ll be spending time with the kids, and they’ll learn to cook! Maybe you can assign them to unload the dishwasher – one does the bottom rack, one the top rack.
You might consider limiting playstation, tv, etc. Perhaps they could earn credits to be used – they help their sib with homework for 1/2 hour, they get 1/2 playstation. They play a game together for 1/2 hour, they get 1/2 tv time. Maybe you could get Choose your Own Adventure books, and take turns in the car reading aloud (turn off the ipods and the radio) and choosing the next path. Or let one choose on Ch. 1, the other choose for Ch. 2, etc.
Something else my mom did when we were growing up – she limited us to one extra activity per week.
HTH!
6:31 am
I would suggest a night or two devoted to family time just as others have. In our house, Sundays are sacred. There is no other activity allowed on Sunday. We go to church together, eat together, visit with friends together, play together and have an all around great time! If you could devote one whole day to the family, you may not feel quite so disconnected.
Hope that helps!
7:00 am
This is fantastic, you guys! Keep it coming!
7:37 am
With 4 school aged kids aged 8 – 18 and a husband who works long hours, I feel your pain! What we have been doing for the past year is sitting down to breakfast together every weekday. I used to wake the kids at different times depending on what time the bus picked them up. Now they all get up at the same time and we eat whatever I have prepared (eggs, pancakes, waffles, etc.) Then my husband reads a psalm and prays for our day. This has made a big difference in our lives. Its great to feel connected as a family at the beginning of the day. We also have set aside Sunday nights as our family night. We try to have a big dinner and just spend time together. Hope this helps!
8:15 am
Wow–lots of change for your family! I can totally see why you’re exhausted and want to sack out in front of the TV. Maybe you could view shows as a family? Good luck finding something everyone enjoys, but it’s the start of the new show season, so at least you’re not stuck with just reality shows. Grab a box of microwave popcorn and some Red Vines next time you’re at the store, and play up that TV time as a Family Event! Snuggle with your kiddos and husband on the couch and just enjoy the closeness. You can chat a little during the commercials. This may not be too helpful, but I thought that just a tiny change to what you’re already doing might work better than a fullblown tip! Good luck
8:23 am
Traditions. Something that the family knows will happen and looks forward to. It can be as simple as pancakes on Saturday morning, candles at dinner (if you can find a night to eat together!), a quick family prayer before heading out in the dozen directions (could be as simple as “Help us, Jesus–amen!”). Reading together was mentioned, and we have really enjoyed that.
Making the most of the commuting by striking up some intentional conversation is an idea, as well.
But it’s just hard. We lived your life last year, and I hated it.
Simple traditions can be little mile markers in the week that pull the family together, even if they are just a two-minute thing (a family hug, notes written in lipstick on the bathroom mirrors), or a more involved family night (great ideas in your comments above).
A completely different idea that could complement traditions (regular, expected, family-specific thigns) would be spontaneous surprises. Suddenly proposing a fall outing, perhaps, or swinging by the ice cream store when you are on your way home (before dinner!).
Then your family ends up with strong base of memories that pace their lives out–things they share–along with surprises that build a different kind of memory (”remember the day we had ice cream for an appetizer?”).
Bon courage!
8:44 am
We like to limit the television and video games to certain times on the weekends. Husband and I sometimes will watch a movie or show together once the kids are in bed, but for the most part, we try to limit screen time during the week. Our kids aren’t involved in lots of activities (and we still homeschool, so whatever they have: piano, riding, etc. still happens during the day while husband is at work). But, we find that if the kids expect the tv to be off in the evenings, they are always asking what we’re going to do together as a family. If all the school work is done, they may watch a show or two in the afternoon before dad comes home from work. But once he’s home, the screens are off.
Best wishes.
8:47 am
We too are usually out of sync so I peeped in to get some insight and offer you this bit of advice. Alot of people say family night, which is something I tried to do. Usually on Sunday, with 4 kids aged 8-17 it was the one night where no one had something to do, so we would have dinner together it was a MUST. No computer, phone etc, just dinner together.
Also,last year I decided something new, for Christmas now, instead of buying gifts, we go on a vacation together. With our oldest heading off to college next year, I was looking for a way to ensure we would have family time. We take the week before Christmas and head out, and I LOVED it. We all did, no hustle in the pre Christmas rush, the kids didn’t miss much at school, rates were still lower, and places usually aren’t so crowded. It really gave us time to just enjoy our family.
Good luck
12:11 pm
I’m with everyone else who said to set aside at least a day a week as family night – I only have one child, a 10yr old but yes, even when we are all home we are scattered over the house and not interacting.
We do Friday nights – we make homemade pizza together – so we get to chat – then we watch movies or play games together.
With more kids – and depending on their ages – even scheduling a half hour each day for one child – to have them read to you, to discuss how school is, to have a tea or cocoa with.
Even a few minutes are precious.
Best of luck.
12:30 pm
Oh Kelly, I’m just trying to keep up these days and doing miserably myself! LOL Today I was reminded of an aritcle I wrote about Things That Matter this past summer and I needed to re-read it today. It touches on a lot of what you’ve expressed. I’m not sure I have any great advice but I’ll think on it!
Hugs,
Holly
2:20 pm
We go through something very similar. Since we don’t have child care for Baby Bug, DH and I have to work an opposite schedule. And since our jobs takes us away for days, we don’t have much time together.
The only thing we can do is make the most of whatever little family time we do have. No matter how tired or jetlagged we are, we always try to do something fun when the whole family is together.
I’m sure it’s a big transition for your family. Give it time and things will fall into place.
3:33 pm
Family Communication Out-of-Sync
We’ve had a lot of changes in our life and it’s effecting our family “groove”. Please share your tips for getting back in sync!
4:13 pm
I know what you’re going through, having made similar transitions in my family. Now that my kids are grown and out of the home, I can look back and see that the time we spent sitting on the bleachers supporting our kids sporting endeavors, the times I sat and waited for their practices to be over, the times we had in the car driving from one activity to another, were all examples of family time. It might not be what we envisioned but our kids knew we were there for them. Quality time doesn’t have to occur at home. The important thing is we were together. We have lots of fun and silly memories that occured in the car and at the grocery store and just about everywhere our busy schedules took us. I know it’s hard to find a time when everyone can be home at the same time, but we never had any sporting events on Sundays so it is a good idea to plan some Sunday fun. Host a happy hour with snacks and beverages. Play games or rent movies. Plan some fun theme nights or have a late night or early morning picnic, try to have a plan every week and try to not plan any work for Sunday. Hope this helps.
4:30 pm
As a Mom to nine (ages 1-18) this is what we do:
breakfast and dinner as a family as a general rule–this way we eat as a family at least once a day and usually twice, no television on school nights–even for adults, we don’t own video games, do chores together–side by side, pray together before bedtime, limit television on weekends–if we must watch we watch something together usually a homemade pizza and movie night, and most important: listen carefully and pay attention to each person. Yet with all of these, give people space. Everyone needs a bit of time alone to refresh.
Give it time. Sometimes being out of sync is just a transition until the current schedule becomes more routine.
Enjoy.
8:44 pm
I don’t have time to read all of the comments, but I thought I would throw out a few; I hope they aren’t duplicates.
–Family nights – spend one night a week together – fix dessert together then spend time (play games, have a movie night, just talk, wrestle, play a sport, go for a bike ride, just do it together)
–Eat breakfast together. This can be hard, but you might find that getting one person up earlier or getting everyone dressed later can mean that you all get to sit down together one morning!
–Have common goals. Everyone helps get ready for dinner until it is done; it’s a bit chaotic, but it means you get help & everyone is working together. OR After you’ve washed the week’s worth of laundry, everyone folds/puts away all at once. OR Everyone helps clean the house on Saturdays before you can go do fun stuff. I think you get the idea.
–Pray together – before dinner, before bed, in the morning, whenever works for you. This is probably the best glue there is!
9:00 am
I linked here from Shannon’s. I feel your pain. This year is turning out to be VERY hectic at our house.
Even if Dad can’t be on time or in town for dinner, the kids & I sit down together for dinner several nights a week & I ask them about their favorite part of the day in school….who did you play with at recess….what are you doing in Engligh….etc. Each person has to wait their turn & not interrupt (important social skill!) But we all get to talk. We’ve had a lot of good discussions this year & have some clue about what’s going on with everyone.
We get to see each other in the mornings, but don’t get to sit down to breakfast together. But we do talk & check in with each other on our way out.
I don’t allow the TV to be on during the school week (except after the kids are in bed! ha!)
Good luck!
9:49 pm
Hello, I have a similar journey. We home schooled a while and just last spring we placed our 10 and 6 yr olds into school. Over the summer we equipped them for this fall. Mine both have special needs.
We have family movie night on Friday every Friday! Dad gets a cheep movie at Wal-mart or where ever. The old movies are cheep and they are better stories. We are together. I try to stop what ever I might be doing and make a lot of eye contact when they come to me. We have time around the table and ask each other about the day. Some times we take turns with mommy/daughter father /son visa-versa date nights or private times. I still teach just the icing. The cake is done at the school. I too feel that we miss out. My health is a bother to activity. I am trying to catch up to have more time for activities. I am able to fetch my kids from school. We tell each other whats the plan for the day.
When I bring them home we talk a little.
3:08 am
In my family, dinner time is mandatory. Everybody drops what they are doing. We have this thing we call good thing/bad thing where we all take turns sharing at least one good and one bad thing that has happened during our day.
It really helped bring Hubs and I up to date with what was going on with the kids and it’s always great to hear “No bad things today!”
I’m guilty of wanting to skip out on this every now and then but once I get there I am glad I did.
We try to have family game night or movie night at east once a month now that school is back in session.
Good Luck!
4:41 am
Scheduled “family time” definitely helps, whether it’s baking cookies, playing board games, or whatever everyone can do together but with smaller children (with MUCH smaller attention spans) I find it hard to get them all interested in one activity at the same time.
Family dinners are very important, even if you’re not ready to eat with the kids just sitting with them encourages them to talk and enjoy being together.
When I’m just fed up with all the noise and chaos and no one listening to anyone else, I just pull out a book and start reading out loud on the couch. Invariably the kids will come and sit down next to me to hear the book – if I asked them first if they wanted to read, they’d say no! They do come.
Try to find the small things you can do throughout the day, rather than forcing them to focus for a big chunk of time and view it as an obligation.
7:50 am
We gave up homeschooling last week and I’ve really enjoyed reading your experiences as they are much like mine. I too am missing the family rhythm we had.
We have breakfast together and eat together on the weekends but it doesn’t feel like enough. The suggestions your commmenters have given are great and I will be trying them too!
2:55 pm
[...] Welcome to the allergy season. Thank you all for your excellent ideas last week on my family out of sync posts. Looks like there’s hope for us after all… [...]
6:52 pm
we always have dinner together. my dh travels a great deal, so he calls at dinner time if he can. we pass the phone around the dinner table.
my boys in middle school, a time where many children begin to pull away from the family. last year, they became involved with taekwondo. the boys have since convinced dh and i to join the class. we agreed mostly because it is a way to stay involved with them. learning something new together is great for any relationship.
7:52 am
[...] » Homeschool Tips and Advice – Share your best links! on UPDATE – Since We Quit HomeschoolingPass The Torch » Family Communication Out of Sync on Homeschool Experiment – Let’s just skip this monthPass The Torch » UPDATE – Since We [...]
7:57 am
[...] HOMESCHOOL EXPERIMENT RESULTS SERIES: WHY WE STARTED the JOYS the STRUGGLES the FUTURE for us UPDATE after we Quit Homeschooling Family out of Sync [...]
7:57 am
[...] HOMESCHOOL EXPERIMENT RESULTS SERIES: WHY WE STARTED the JOYS the STRUGGLES the FUTURE for us UPDATE after we Quit Homeschooling Family out of Sync [...]
1:36 am
This is an issue with us, too – and we homeschool. Hard to unplug when you are a photographer and writer and blogger and emailer! This is my mom time. So I’m doing it in the wee hours of the morning instead of while the kids are up. However, we do TOO much of it during regular hours, too – and Dad has a video game habit that is worse than the kids’. Unplugging is definitely the answer… but it will not be easy!
7:11 am
wow… what a year hey. We had our own 18 month experiement with homeschooling before my daughter returned to school and my son started Preschool. Next year however (I’m in Australia and the school year begins in January) we are returning to homeschooling. One of the reasons, one of many, is lifestyle. We really enjoy the closeness of the experience. I like you suffered terribly this year with both children out of the home three days a week and my daughter five days. Although I was very tired from moving 7 times over 3 years and homeschooling without adequate space or preparation or time! After trying MANY things I found that giving up some of my time out activities such as tv or reading (I work from home so can read while they are at school) and instead ‘hanging out’ with them, observing them, just basically paying attention etc really helped. My daughter was distracted by all the new friends and the routine of school. I couldn’t get her attention and keep the bond… so I just observed as much as possible without too much comment so that ‘if and when’ issues arose I would know what was going on. I wanted her to have the experience of school and not interfere but at the same time, not loose touch (just in case we were to return to homeschooling!)
The other thing that has helped ALL of us is Friday nights off…. from EVERYTHING. We leave the gates of school, head over the the local library, return all of our books, cds, dvds, videos etc and get new material that we are all interested in, then we drive by a pizza place for a $6 pizza, head home and chill. Spending from school bell till we crash in the lounge room in true slumber party style… all with out pillows and blankets! In the morning the tv goes on for Saturday morning cartoons/music and I can slumber away while I keep up with their interests and score a breaky in bed!
As long as I’m making the effort to be ‘present’ to who they are… they can be off on their own adventures and when they need me I’m ready. That’s how I’ve kept my sanity. Namaste, all the Best.
7:14 am
post script…. replace “all with out pillows and blankets” with “all with our pillows and blankets”…. brrrrr I’m chilled just thinking about that!
thanks
Tam